Exploring the gap between who you are and how you lead

“It’s great to have a space to show up as a leader and a person.” This was something a leader in my new group for headteachers said recently, and it really stayed with me. It hints at something many school leaders experience, often without quite naming it; a subtle gap between who you are and how you show up at work. 

How the gap appears 

This gap rarely appears overnight. You don’t usually step into leadership and consciously decide to become less yourself. Instead, it builds gradually as the role begins to ask more of you. 

With increased responsibility comes greater visibility and often a stronger sense of expectation; both from others and yourself. Over time, you may find yourself becoming more measured in what you say, more careful in how you respond and more aware of how you might be perceived. 

All of this is understandable and sometimes necessary. Yet within those changes, it’s easy to begin editing yourself without really noticing. The shift is subtle, but it can create a growing distance between the person you are and the way you show up in your role. 

What that gap can feel like 

For some leaders, this shows up as feeling slightly less like themselves at work. There can be a sense of being more guarded or more “on”, as though you’re carrying the role rather than fully inhabiting it. 

For others, the experience can be different. Work may feel like the place where you’re most yourself – purposeful, capable and clear – while it is outside of work that feels harder or less certain.

Either way, it can point to a sense that something is slightly out of balance. This is not usually dramatic or alarming. More often, it’s a subtle feeling that’s easy to overlook, but worth paying attention to. 

What shifts when the gap narrows 

When there’s less distance between leader and person, leadership often begins to feel lighter. Thinking can become clearer, as you spend less time second-guessing yourself. Interactions may feel more natural, because you’re no longer working as hard to get everything “right”. 

There can be a greater sense of ease in how you show up. The role itself hasn’t changed, but your experience of it has. Bringing more of yourself into your leadership can create a ripple effect, influencing not only how you feel, but how others experience you too. 

It can also signal to others – particularly those new to leadership – that it’s OK to bring your full self to your role, offering a subtle but powerful model of authentic leadership. 

Small ways to close the gap 

Closing this gap doesn’t require a significant shift or a complete change in how you lead. In most cases, it starts with small, deliberate choices. 

You might begin by noticing when you already feel most like yourself at work and what’s different in those moments. It could be allowing one interaction in your day to be slightly less polished or choosing to prioritise connection over getting everything exactly right in a conversation. 

These are subtle adjustments rather than sweeping changes, but they can make a meaningful difference over time. 

There’s no perfect balance to achieve here. However, it’s worth pausing to consider where you feel most like yourself, and what might help you bring a little more of that into your leadership.